As Amy Grant’s voice sang out from our Jambox I listened and sang along with tear stained cheeks;
Do you wonder as you watch my face
If a wiser one should have had my place
But I offer all I am
For the mercy of your plan
Help me be strong
Help me be
Help me
Breath of Heaven/Mary’s Song was playing and the weight of week released through my tears.
The previous Friday my 8.5-year-old son AB was delighted to set up our new projection light, the one that displayed snowflakes across the front of our home. He sat at the window overlooking the front yard and watched the dancing lights. As soon as darkness fell the following night he turned it on and again, watched from the window. Shortly after he was in bed I realized I couldn’t see the lights and upon opening the front door, I discovered someone had stolen our new light. Between the hours of 6:00pm – 8:00pm someone walked into our front yard and stole the dancing snowflake light. I was sick and sad and so discouraged. When we broke the news to our son in the morning he expressed confusion and sadness. Why? He asked. I wish I had an answer. A kind neighbor through the Nextdoor app reached out to offer his brand new light, one he was considering returning. Two days later, tied with a silver bow, I set the new light under the tree and when AB woke up he was surprised and happy. We talked about the kindness of people, neighbors, strangers. I told him more times than not, kindness wins. The light will live in our living room this season and we’ll delight in the disco display that it projects. My son’s eyes light up, brighter than the green and red light now dancing across our ceiling and hallway. The world felt righted again.
On Sunday, AB had his first piano recital. With Grandma in tow, we oohed and ahhed and took him out for a special dinner to celebrate. Upon leaving the restaurant via Uber, an incident happened in which the driver became very aggressive and verbally assaulted my husband, in front of our son. It was disturbing and unsettling and was an unfortunate way to end an otherwise beautiful day. My husband talked through it all with AB before bed and did what he could to assure him that the man was angry to begin with, and there was nothing they could have done otherwise. My husband focused on the good of the day and tried to soothe AB to sleep with good thoughts dancing through his head.
The next morning AB woke early and climbed into bed with me – “Mom, I can’t stop thinking about last night. That man was so angry and so mean.” As the morning wore on, he fought going to school, said he wanted to stay in bed and read all day. I understood but felt like going to school, being one among his classmates, enjoying the joy of soccer at recess was what he needed. Off he went and when I picked him up at 3:00pm, a smile was spread across his face. The world wasn’t quite righted, but it felt a bit more balanced.
It is now the weekend again, Saturday morning, the first day of Winter Break and AB wakes up with all the enthusiasm and energy I wish I could have an ounce of! He retrieved his new toy – one sent Friday night from the East Coast by a dear family friend, and one that he has actually asked for more times than I can count – a drone. With a bit of practice the previous evening, he set to work to figure it out even more. He soon got it, like really got how to fly it and he was outside doing barrel rolls. He had learned the stunt button! I joined him outside and was impressed with how well he was doing. He was so pleased with himself he asked to make an Instagram story to show people. He continued to play outside as I poked around the house, watching him through the window. Soon though, I hear crying, not just crying but cries of distress and sadness. Turns out, he flew it too high and it got stuck on the highest level of our roof. { Side note – a few weeks prior my husband needed to fix something on the roof, about the same spot where the drone has landed. He was going to MacGyver his way up through a window with a climbing rope attached to his belt…I stopped him there. No. Call in the professionals, or at least get a ladder that can reach the 40 foot height necessary. }
So here I am, with Scott gone fishing on the river, I have a stuck drone and a little boy that is devastated at losing his new toy, and feeling responsible for losing this new toy. Its barely 10:00am and I feel like we should both just crawl back under the covers. The dismay goes on – he is in tears as I haven’t seen for years. He is angry at himself, frustrated, and telling me together we can get on the roof to get it (um, no, see above regarding the pitch). I sense that the events of the week have finally caught up to him and he is letting it all out. We go for a walk outside, to look for ladders and to get fresh air. The tears continue to flow, as he’s replaying how he’d do everything differently. As we are close to home he slipped on the wet sidewalk, fell and scraped his knee. The flood gates opened even wider. “I just need a hug. I just need you to hold me” he repeated over and over. So I did, and asked him if he’d like to say a prayer. Yes please. We prayed. Not for the drone to flip itself over and respond to the remote, but for peace over our hearts and spirits; for kindness to show itself again, and a renewed sense of forgiveness and grace, for ourselves and others.
I made him a cup of hot chocolate and he added a Candy Cane as a stir stick. We laughed at how the candy cane was dissolving, and the hot chocolate continued to taste better and better. He had a snack. We wrote a thank you note to the man who so generously gave his projection light. We reached out to a neighbor who has a ladder tall enough to reach and said we can borrow it anytime Scott is ready. We did what we could to right our world.
AB had moved through it, for the moment. He chose to watch a movie and grabbed his stuffies to join him. I turned the Jambox on and went about my business. Amy was singing….
Breath of heaven
Hold me together
Be forever near me
Breath of heaven
Breath of heaven
Lighten my darkness
Pour over me your holiness
For you are holy
Events of the past week have left me weary, not just for myself, but for my son. He saw glimpses of ugly, and felt the effect of that ugly. My days of trying to protect him are dwindling. I can only do what I know how to do; hold him, hug him, pray- for him and our world. Lighten the darkness. Be strong. Be.